Day Fifteen

Fatter than ever. I tried crossing my legs today, since I'm wearing a skirt, and I couldn't cross them comfortably. They don't fit together nicely anymore. I need my bf to get our dvd player working so i can do my workout dvds. i need it done tonight before i get any bigger!

Day Ten

yesterday i went to the family dr's office. my own dr was on vacation, so i saw dr. m instead. she was wonderful! her own son has bipolar so she readily put me back on 2 depakotes a day & readded welbutrin! i can't wait until this stuff kicks in!

the bad news is that i've gained 2 more lbs since i last got weighed in mid may. not good. i left a message for my heart dr. today to see if there's any other medication they can put me on that won't make me gain weight. they haven't called me back yet.

i see the nutritionist at 4 pm today. i'll let you know how that goes.

Day Eight

not eating breakfast this morning. can't deal with eating. much too depressed. drowning in myself.

Day Three

my mood began declining in april, after my best friend's mother died of cancer. i personally watched her descent into sickness for the past 4-5 years. near the end, i watched as she sat in a heated room, freezing to death, because her body temperature dropped, making her feel like she was naked in antarctica. we'd throw blankets and towels and socks and scarves and hats on her to keep her warm. nothing worked. i could see her soul slipping away from her body as God pulled it back, not ready for her to go to Heaven yet. for a month or so, it was just waiting for the inevitable. that became april 20th, 2005.

since then, i've begun another bout of depression. it's not severe, but definitely noticable & beginning to effect my day. i can't sleep through the night anymore. i feel tired & sluggish all the time. i have no patience for anyone who doesn't understand what i'm saying. i think all questions are stupid, and i wish people would be on the same thinking level as me. this is no way to go through life. i need to do something about it.

my search for a psychiatrist has been fruitless. i don't know what to do with myself.

Day Two

i was pretty depressed yesterday. i called about 20 psychiatrists trying to get a new one, since my other one quit the practice. no one was taking new patients. sooo frustrating! i need my meds adjusted now not next fall!

breakfast was cereal with some 1% milk, 1/s banana, & i'm working on a coffee. it's 11:31 am.

lunch--same as yesterday

fluids: 1 coffee, 1 fruit juice, 1 iced tea, now i must pee.

dinner--m made a great chicken stirfry which i'm going to take to work tomorrow to have for lunch. it was very tasty!!

Day One

woke up at 7:30 am. felt like exercising, so i did 1/2 hour of my paula abdul workout. got my face nice & red, i tell ya. drank 8oz of water. showered. got ready. walked out the door without my special food. remembered. walked back in and gathered what i'd need for the day.

9:30 am. started working on power bar. it's now 11:51 am and i'm still working on finishing the bar. wasn't hungry this morning. projected breakfast time is 8-8:30 ish. have not eaten 1/2 a banana like i'd planned. it's already time for me to be thinking about my lunch, but i can't. i am sooooo not hungry. trying to cram the rest of the bar down my throat.

lunch: 1:45 pm. was supposed to eat around noonish. had 1/2 a turkey sandwich, 3 pieces of califlower, 2 pieces of broccoli, and 1 cup cottage cheese. success.

snack: a strawberry yogurt

dinner: 4 small corners out of a cheese pizza (picked off the pepperoni)

8 fluids for the day:
1 glass water (x)
1 cup coffee (x)
1 can of pepsi (x)
1 (0)
1 (0)
1 (0)
1 (0)
1 (0)

Introduction

i'm 27, soon to be 28. i'm female. i don't eat. i've been anorexic twice before, an exercise bulimic once. i don't like food. i've never liked food. i've never eaten properly. i've dealt with depression, bipolar, abortion, and rape (well, mostly). now it's time to tackle my eating disorder.

i took the first step yesterday, by seeing a nutritionist. i was in her office for 2 hours explaining my past. she gave me a meal plan to follow to start getting myself to eat better. she also gave me homework: to set up an appt with an eating disorder counselor. i left a message today.

here is the meal plan i am to follow until my next nut. appt, next thurs:

*I must have 8 x's 8oz of fluid a day (i've only been drinking once a day, leaving my urine very dark)
*eat 4 x's a day
*take 1 viactin vitamin a day

Breakfast Choices:
a) 1 Protein Bar, 1/2 fruit, 1 coffee
b) 1 cup cereal, 1/2 cup 1% or skim milk, 1/2 fruit
c) Eggbeater omelette with red peppers and mushrooms, 1 piece toast, 1% milk or coffee

Lunch Choices:
1/2 Turkey sandwich, 1 yogurt or 1 cottage cheese or 1 cheese stick, raw veggies or 1 fruit, 8 oz of fluid

Dinner Choices:
a) Eat out 2 nights a week--eat at least 1/3 or 1/4 & plan leftovers for another meal.
b) work on ideas with my boyfriend

Snack Choices:
a) 1 yogurt, 1 cottage cheese, 1 fruit, 1 sippable soup
b) mcdonalds fruit & walnut salad or wendy's fruit cup

this journal will chronicle my progress.